Albert, Part 2
Read part one here.
When Albert woke up the next day, he thought about God again.
He brushed his teeth and looked at himself in the mirror and repeated mentally, "Dear God, please help me." The phrase gave him both hope and doom. Hope, because he allowed himself to entertain the childish belief that his prayers were working. And doom, because he aware of this self-delusion.
As Albert brushed his teeth, Albert's mom was in the kitchen making coffee. She'd been riding the emotional high of the previous night all morning. She texted her soul sisters about the healing that had taken place, the new chapter she and Albert were stepping into. He was finally ready to heal. She indulged in fantasies of her new relationship with her son. Albert, smiling happily, laughing with her, stepping into the living room while her friends were there, cracking a joke, making them laugh, and them saying to Albert's mom, 'wow, he's such a great kid', and Albert's mom would feel proud.
Albert's mom rehearsed the morning in her mind. When Albert walked in, she would beam at him, and say "good morning, baby", which she hadn't said in decades. Then he would smile (also for the first time in decades) and they would embrace.
Albert finished brushing his teeth and entered the kitchen. He looked at his mom, and just as she was about to beam him the good morning she had rehearsed, he hit her with a cold, flat, lifeless, low, "hey" and averted his eyes.
This one word scrubbed all the warmth from her heart and face and ripped the voice from her throat. She gave him a strained smile, the kind she gave cashiers when she was stressed but pressured to be nice. Albert didn't see it. They shuffled silently around the kitchen for a while like two awkward strangers in a hostel kitchen.
Albert was aware of what he had done and felt terrible. He tried to catch his mom's eye and smile to salvage the situation, but he felt physically incapable of such a thing.
The following afternoon, Albert's parents dropped him off at the train station. They exchanged no words. As Albert stepped out of the car, he wanted to try saying "I love you", just to give them something, but instead said "thanks" in a rushed way and shuffled quickly to the tracks.
Albert sat on the felted chair, leaning against the window. He felt alone, but trains were the one place where the loneliness felt nice. It felt indie movie-like (it was raining that day too). And so he rode the train to Manhattan, staring out the window, trying not to think.
At the third stop, a young woman entered the car and sat right next to Albert. This was extremely strange. Choosing to sit in Albert's row in spite of other seating opportunities was already strange, but what was even stranger was that this woman took the middle seat in the three seat row, even though the aisle seat was free!
The woman sat in the middle seat and put her large handbag in the aisle. Her bare arms brushed against his. She was naturally high in pheremones, and this was magnified by her perfume, the freshly dried sweat on her back and forehead, her plump and out-turned lips, her smooth and taught skin, her stretched sports bra, her exposed navel, and so on.
Albert tried to process the situation. Why did she not take the aisle seat? Why would she sit closer to him than she had to? Was she attracted to him? Surely not. Ok, then what? Could it have been a fully natural, spontaneous act? Could it be that that it felt no different to her having their arms touch and their legs inches away and scent in each others lungs, vs not? Was it simply more convenient to put her bag to her left, and sit right next to Albert, because her bag was on her left shoulder when she was sitting down? Was she saving a seat for a friend who was in the bathroom? Or perhaps she didn't even register Albert. Perhaps, in her perception, the window seat was empty. You know, like how the human eye can only see frequencies in a certain band. Woman of this kind could only accept the presence of human beings of a certain quality. And Albert was like mild radiation: somewhat uncomfortable to those who are sensitive, but otherwise imperceptible.
The woman let out a soft sigh and took out her phone. She wiggled a bit on her sitbones, embalmed in plump flesh, searching for the most comfortable seating. As she did this, her shoulder brushed Albert's, back and forth.
Of course Albert had trained in himself the restraint to not look. Instead, he closed his eyes and began to fantasize, filling in the tantalizing blanks with his imagination...
Albert's Imagination: The perfumed woman falls asleep. Gradually, over the course of a few minutes, her head inches to his shoulder. The woman wakes up a stop later and looks up at him, surprised, but unembarrassed. She is too forward for that. She doesn't even move her head off his shoulder. Instead she smiles, and puts a hand on his thigh and kisses his cheek. And then-
The woman coughs. Startled Albert snaps his eyes awake. Once the startling subsides, shame and paranoia set in.
Was that a legitimate cough? Or was it one of those coughs you do to politely alert someone who's doing something embarrassing and thinks no one can see that you can actually see what they're doing?
It's surely the latter, but what could she have seen? Was he erect? Barely. It was unnoticeable (a tiny silver lining of his physiognomy). Then, what? Could she... could she somehow sense his thoughts?
Albert had never felt such a sense of being surveilled. Prior to this, his imagination was always the one place he felt totally uninhibited. He had gotten so skilled at fantasy that he could fantasize with open eyes. He sometimes fantasized about having sex with his project manager _while_ speaking to her about his status update.
He tried to sink back into his reverie but couldn't shake the feeling that his thoughts were shameful, and he was being judged. And so he gave up and stared out the window, pretending, vaguely, to see beauty.
The perfumed woman got off the train at Jersey City, leaving a sillage which was more than enough to re-kindle Albert's imagination. In fact, this was a much nicer situation for Albert-- the woman's physical presence was actually a disturbance to his fantasy of her. But just as he began to relax and sink back into his vivid thoughts, another woman sat in Albert's row, in the aisle seat this time.
Albert knew, from his peripheral vision (which he had also trained over many years, etc, etc), that this woman was older. He sensed, psychically, that her body was lumpy and sagging. His fantasies of her would be less exciting than the first woman, but he'd attempt it nonetheless.
The new woman turned to Albert and said "hello", startling him.
The hello was sweet. Actually, it might have been the most warmth Albert had experienced in years. Longer, even.
Albert turned to the new, sweet woman. Her eyes were shining. He said "hello". and smiled (naturally!) and was surprised both by his smile and by the clarity of his word and the ease in his voice. Then he tensed, blushed, and looked back out the window. The woman next to him continued to face him and smile, unbothered.
Then she asked Albert, "Do you live in Manhattan? Or are you visiting?"
"Yeah. I live there. What about you?" Albert replied, stoically.
"I do too! I live on the upper west side, near Central Park. I was just in Jersey to see my son. He goes to Rutgers."
"Mmm." Albert felt his throat clench. No words came to him. He looked down.
"Actually, my son kind of looks like you! But people are always telling me, Lindy, you think everyone looks like your son! Ha! It's true! I'm Lindy, by the way." She wrapped Albert's crooked fingers in her warm hands and shook.
"Oh, you have a wonderful smile. It's so good to smile." she paused. Albert, not know what to say, saw words on her shirt. He then said, "what's your shirt?"
"Oh! It's the shirt for my church retreat! We all go upstate once a year and just have the most wonderful time in nature, praying, eating, singing, playing games. Just a beautiful, beautiful time. We would love to have you there too." Lindy handed Albert a card. "That's our church's website. You can find all the info there."